What Does Healthy Communication Look Like?

Many couples who seek couples counseling are concerned with one issue: communication. They may not completely understand why its happening, but these couples have noticed that they are unable to have productive conversations about important topics. And while the causes of communication problems can be numerous and deep, turning things around is often just a matter of developing new habits. If you are having difficulty communicating, here are some basic initial steps you can take to begin to improve things...

1. Be yourself (and let your partner be him/herself): Early in our relationships, we can place pressure on our partners to be the same as us in all respects. We mistakenly assume that the goal of matchmaking is to find that special someone who is just like us. And yet, the truth is that no one out there sees the world just the way that we do. As our relationships become more mature, we need to make room for both our similarities AND our differences to emerge. This means creating a relationship where differences of opinion can be voiced in a respectful and loving way. It also means developing confidence in ourselves, so we are not relying on our partner to agree and validate everything that we say.

2. Know when to put your own perspective aside: While we do want our true colors to flourish in our relationship, we also need to know when to "turn off" our own perspective. There will be times when your partner is feeling hurt or vulnerable over an issue (perhaps a difficult conflict at work or a recent argument with one of the kids). These are the moments when your partner needs you to support his/her perspective on the situation. And, if it still feels important for you to share your perspective, wait for a later time when your partner may be feeling a little bit stronger, and do so in a kind and loving manner.

3. Listen for listening's sake. Related to #2, there are times when your partner is simply looking to feel heard and understood. In these moments, practice listening closely and developing a deep understanding  of what your partner is trying to express. Sometime, even reflecting back what your partner is feeling ("I'm so sorry. You must be so angry about that." or "Wow. That's great. You must be so excited.") can really help your partner feel heard. We must also be sure to tell our partner when we are the one looking for a supportive listening session, rather than a back-and-forth conversation.

4. Wait for the right time. Sometimes asking our partner when would be a good time to talk about a difficult topic is the difference between a fight and a productive discussion. Practice presenting your partner with a topic you would like to discuss (the finances, parenting, in-laws), and asking them when (typically a time within the next week is reasonable) they would feel comfortable having that discussion. And, vice versa, don't be afraid to tell your partner when you would prefer to talk about something that they are bringing up at a later date.

5. Avoid the heavy artillary. Fights happen. But when they do, it's important we stop ourselves from resorting to those really harmful tactics. Bringing up past issues, some of which may have already been resolved. Making those all or nothing statements ("You always . You never...). And resorting to labeling (You can be such a...). These strategies may help us win the battle, but they ultimately do harm to the relationship. Of course, if you are fighting all of the time and can't seem to get out of these patterns, don't be afraid to seek out the support of a couples counselor.

6. Pay attention to emotions. We like to think optimistically when it comes to our relationships. And we want to know that we've made the right choice of partner. This can sometimes cause us to avoid identifying (and sharing) any negative emotions we may be feeling towards our partner. But it is often those unspoken feelings, the anger and resentment, that are really preventing us from communicating. Sorting through this emotional baggage is often the key to achieving long-standing improvements in communication. If you suspect this to be an issue for you, this may be another area where having a supportive mediator, like a couples counselor, can help you share negative feelings with your partner in a non-threatening way. And don't be surprised if your partner has some negative feelings of their own that they need to resolve.

7. Go easy on one another. Communication difficulties can sometimes make us feel like our partner is an uncaring or heartless person. Try not to get too caught up in those thoughts. In most cases, our partner is still the compassionate, caring person with whom we fell in love. It's our bad habits and emotional baggage that have us treating one another in a less than ideal manner. If you and your partner find something on this list that is relevant to your situation, start out by making a few small changes. With a little work, you may be surprised to rediscover your abilities to love and support one another.

anxiety: friend or foe?

Anxiety. Many of us know the feeling. You begin to worry about some future event. Before long, you have butterflies in your chest and the muscles in your shoulders begin to tense up. You find yourself feeling irritable and restless, talking rapidly, feeling trapped.

But what is this thing called anxiety exactly? And why do we feel it? Well, to put it simply, anxiety is the brain's way of warning us about the future. Without us even knowing it, our unconscious minds are constantly at work, scanning our environments, monitoring our behavior, and making predictions about the future. When our unconscious detects a harmful consequence on the horizon, that's when our anxiety kicks in. It's the brain's way of saying “Hey you. Get ready. Bad things are about to happen.”

Much of the time this is a helpful thing. For example, a college student begins to worry about failing an upcoming exam. His anxiety kicks in, and he suddenly has this very unpleasant feeling that he wants to get rid of. So he gets out of bed, spends a few days in the library, passes the exam, and voilà, the anxiety subsides almost immediately.

More often than not, however, anxiety can be an extremely unhelpful experience. This is particularly true when our anxiety is based on a distorted view of the future. Maybe you are someone, for example, who at some point in your life decided that you have poor social skills. You've come to believe that all social gatherings will end in embarrassment and rejection, and so the very thought of having to socialize makes you anxious. You avoid social gatherings whenever possible and, when you are forced to socialize, your are so anxious that you can't even be yourself even if you want to. Your anxiety is actually getting in the way of living.

Maybe you can relate to the example above. Or maybe you have chronic anxiety related to another issue. Now what? Well, the good news is that, if you have the time and motivation, anxiety problems can be improved. And you can start that work by asking yourself a few simple questions…

1) Are the consequences that my mind fears real or imagined? Do people even care if I am awkward in social situations?

2) Is the consequence as bad as I've convinced myself it will be? So what. Maybe some people will reject me for not being socially adept enough. But the people that are cool enough not to care will stick by my side. And at least I will know who out there accepts the real me.

3) Is there anything I can do to change the consequence anyway? Maybe there will always be some people who really like me, and some people who are indifferent to me. Worrying is never going to change that reality.

4) Do I need to change my environment? Maybe my environment really is full of superficial, critical, judgmental people. Maybe my partner is abusive, or my friends aren't really my friends. My environment may be creating harsh negative consequences that are distorting my view of myself and the world.

5) Do I fully understand my past? What experiences have shaped my perspective? Am I still basing my current behavior on how I felt when I was a vulnerable child? Maybe it's time to realize that I'm not in that place anymore. Maybe socializing doesn't have to be as scary as it was back then.

6) Do I need to talk to someone? Figuring out why we’re anxious can be a confusing process. Finding someone you trust to talk to is sometimes the only way to get to the bottom of your feelings.