Many couples who seek couples counseling are concerned with
one issue: communication. They may not completely understand why its happening, but these
couples have noticed that they are unable to have
productive conversations about important topics. And while the causes of communication
problems can be numerous and deep, turning things around is often just a matter
of developing new habits. If you are having difficulty communicating, here are
some basic initial steps you can take to begin to improve things...
1. Be yourself (and let your partner be him/herself): Early
in our relationships, we can place pressure on our partners to be the same as
us in all respects. We mistakenly assume that the goal of matchmaking is to
find that special someone who is just like us. And yet, the truth is that no
one out there sees the world just the way that we do. As our relationships
become more mature, we need to make room for both our similarities AND our
differences to emerge. This means creating a relationship where differences of
opinion can be voiced in a respectful and loving way. It also means developing
confidence in ourselves, so we are not relying on our partner to agree and
validate everything that we say.
2. Know when to put
your own perspective aside: While we do want our true colors to flourish in
our relationship, we also need to know when to "turn off" our own perspective.
There will be times when your partner is feeling hurt or vulnerable over an issue (perhaps a difficult conflict at work or a recent argument with one of the kids).
These are the moments when your partner needs you to support his/her perspective on the
situation. And, if it still feels important for you to share your perspective, wait for
a later time when your partner may be feeling a little bit stronger, and do so
in a kind and loving manner.
3. Listen for
listening's sake. Related to #2, there are times when your partner is simply looking to feel heard
and understood. In these moments, practice listening closely and developing
a deep understanding of what your partner
is trying to express. Sometime, even reflecting back what your partner is
feeling ("I'm so sorry. You must be so angry about that." or "Wow.
That's great. You must be so excited.") can really help your partner feel heard. We must also be sure to tell our partner when we are
the one looking for a supportive listening session, rather than a
back-and-forth conversation.
4. Wait for the right
time. Sometimes asking our partner when would be a good time to talk about a
difficult topic is the difference between a fight and a productive discussion. Practice
presenting your partner with a topic you would like to discuss (the finances,
parenting, in-laws), and asking them when (typically a time within the next
week is reasonable) they would feel comfortable having that discussion. And,
vice versa, don't be afraid to tell your partner when you would prefer to talk
about something that they are bringing up at a later date.
5. Avoid the heavy
artillary. Fights happen. But when they do, it's important we stop
ourselves from resorting to those really harmful tactics. Bringing up past
issues, some of which may have already been resolved. Making those all or
nothing statements ("You always . You never...). And resorting to labeling
(You can be such a...). These strategies may help us win the battle, but they ultimately do harm to the relationship. Of course, if you are fighting all of the time and can't seem to get out of these patterns, don't be afraid to seek out the support of a couples counselor.
6. Pay attention to
emotions. We like to think optimistically when it comes to our
relationships. And we want to know that we've made the right choice of partner. This can sometimes cause us to avoid identifying (and
sharing) any negative emotions we may be feeling towards our partner. But it is
often those unspoken feelings, the anger and resentment, that are really
preventing us from communicating. Sorting through this emotional baggage is
often the key to achieving long-standing improvements in communication. If you
suspect this to be an issue for you, this may be another area where having a supportive mediator, like a couples counselor, can help you share negative
feelings with your partner in a non-threatening way. And don't be surprised if
your partner has some negative feelings of their own that they need to resolve.
7. Go easy on one
another. Communication difficulties can sometimes make us feel like our
partner is an uncaring or heartless person. Try not to get too caught up in
those thoughts. In most cases, our partner is still the compassionate, caring
person with whom we fell in love. It's our bad habits and emotional baggage
that have us treating one another in a less than ideal manner. If you and your
partner find something on this list that is relevant to your situation, start
out by making a few small changes. With a little work, you may be surprised to
rediscover your abilities to love and support one another.
